Life is so different….

Since I moved to Minnesota 10+ years ago, I do feel kinda out of reach with family.  My parents are still in Ipoh.  My sister and her family are in Singapore, and there is my brother who is working somewhere in Sabah, Lahad Datu, if I remember correctly. 

When I am facing any difficulties in my new home, with work, life, and husband, I do not feel that I should be calling my parents and sister to bother them with my worries, problems.  I think it’s because when I left Ipoh, I left breaking many hearts.  How can I call them to pour my heart out to them?  Maybe it’s pride.  Maybe because I know I did wrong.  I still tear up each time I think of what I did.  I did it because of a man I felled in love with.  Although I know I’m forgiven, but something is still not right.  I feel I’m suppose to be there whenever there is some sort of urgent matters arise.  I’m like an outsider at times, lost touch with what is happening with my family, relatives, and friends.

I’m located across the big pond and in the middle of the land of opportunities.   Yes, I am lucky to hold a job with a big corporation that operates globally.  I told myself I would do my best to get home to visit my family every other year.  I even thought of looking for a job in KL or Singapore where my company’s businesses are, but I know it is not going to work, as I want to.  DB is still working on his project; it will not be as straightforward as we want it to be.

Each time my sister sends me emails on some “hot” news on family members, I want to be there to help or lend a ear.  The one thing I can do is load up my calling card, call, and hear them out.  I know I cannot do anything, but at least I know I can listen and let them know I care. 

I am touched that my sister is the only one who is bearing most of the burden of our family problems.  I never am closer to her and my parents before than I am now.  When it comes to my brother, I knew my close relationship with my brother would be strained after I have moved away, it is getting worse as the years go by.  Since I left, I have only seen him twice, and each time we see each other, we share all our feelings and secrets.  I have always looked up to him.  When we sit and chat, I continuously remind him to take care of himself, change his attitude so that he is not looked upon as the “king” where every one that’s in contact with him has to “kow tow” to him.  He seems to listen to me, but he’s too proud to change his dog-gone ways of thinking.   How can I “brain-wash” his mind to listen?  It’s not easy to call him as I said, and he hardly calls me. 

I am so looking forward to see my family again.  The longer I’m away, the more often I want to see them.  My love for my family has change tremendously since I left.  It changed my perspective how important my family is to me now.